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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.



"Yes", the Labrador replies.




After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS".


"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."



The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.



"Ten quid", the owner says.



"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"



"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden !!!!!!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #663
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags
 

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Angela Merkel was heading to France for discussions on the "Grexit" and Euro crisis when she arrives at the Customs Office in the Paris airport. The officer asks: Occupation and Merkel replies " No, just visiting"
 

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Today's Word Is … Fluctuations

Fluctuations I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was very irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!”
 

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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place."

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house; gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he had raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard said, "No"!
 

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European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 July 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
 

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A local fisherman was leaving the lake with a bucket full of fish, well over the legal limit when he was stopped by the game warden who asked about the fish.The fisherman said " these are not fish, they are my pets, I take them to the lake occasionally to swim for a change from their aquarium at home. I am just taking them home now. When the warden asked how that was possible, he replied " I let them out into the water and they swim for a bit and when I call them, they return and jump back into the bucket" "This I gotta see" said the warden and they walked back to the lake, where the fisherman dumped the bucket of fish back into the water, the fish swam off.. After a while the warden asked the fisherman to call the fish back to jump in the bucket. The fisherman replied " What fish??"
 

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BEER


"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."




 

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Joe: You drink way too much!!!

Ted: I drink to forget my problems.

Joe: So what's your problem?

Ted: I drink too much.
 

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Local news station was interviewing a woman in her 80's who just got married for the fourth time.
She married a banker when in her 20's
She married a circus ringmaster in her 40's
She married a preacher when she was in her 60's
Now she's married to an undertaker.

When asked why she married men with such diverse careers, she answered:
I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go:D
 

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Speaking of Bob Hope, the Yorktown Museum, here in Charleston Harbor, is the 2nd Yorktown carrier after the Japaneses sunk the first one. The mismanaged Museum, run by a retired admiral, ran out of money to keep the ships in the collection running so good ol' Bob Hope offered to have a benefit show at The Citadel's McAllister Field House. I delivered and setup our 9' Steinway Grand Piano on the elevated stage as Bob wouldn't show without it. The Citadel faculty was very nice to me for bringing the piano and taking it away right after the show as there was a ball game in the field house the next day. They gave me a passkey to the President's Box where there was food and drinks available for the high brass attending. It was a great show. As this is a joke thread, the sad but true joke to all this was that when Bob Hope left for California, he took almost all the money donated back to California with him, leaving the reason for the show, to save Yorktown and the Museum very little for all their work. Bob proved to be NOT a wonderful person, after all....
 

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True Texas History... and now, the rest of the story as Paul Harvey would say

Santa Anna was marching 50,000 troops across Texas to take back his country from the bad Texicans.


As he came to a hill, suddenly a scraggly Texican stood up at the top of the hill and flipped him off as he shouted, "F... you, Santa Anna!" He then dropped down at the top of the hill and out of sight. Santa Anna was furious at such indignity against him and ordered his officers to send 10,000 troops to the top of the hill and to kill this Gringo Texican immediately. The troops marched boldly up the hill and all that was heard was a bang, bang, stabiddy, stabiddy, stabbidy, scream after scream and then much silence.


After a while, again the same scraggly Texican stood tall and flipped off Santa Anna after telling him where to go and how to get there in a vulgar cry. Santa Anna was even more outraged and demanded his officers to march a second 10,000 troops up the hill and to kill the vulgar Texican immediately. Off the troops went in single file to rid the planet of this bad Gringo Texican as Santa Anna had ordered. Again, all that was heard was bang, bang, stabiddy, stabiddy, stabiddy and a series of loud yells and screams followed by a long silence.


Santa Anna could no longer contain his anger, so he then demanded another 10,000 troops to march to the top of that hill and to kill this insolent Gringo Texican immediately. Sharply they marched up the hill and once again their cries were heard loudly in all of the bang, bang, stabiddy, stabiddy, stabiddy aftermath. Smoke drifted up above the hill and then there was complete silence for a long, long time.


All of a sudden, a lone Mexican soldier was seen crawling down the hill side. He was obviously wounded severely and almost on his last breath as he yelled down to Santa Anna. He screamed in a broken voice, "General Santa Anna, Go back. Go back, Go back. It's a trap............there are two of them..."


All of this is Texas history and true. Every single lie of it is true, I swear. :)
 

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Gitcha momma

A family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Boy.................go gitcha momma'
 

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The Wally-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wally-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wally-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wally-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.''The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice.'
'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wally-Mart.'

 

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Political Spin

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree, She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed. "

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN!!!
 

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It's Great To Be A Guy

(Not mine, but a fun read):


Its great to be a guy, because:

• Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

• Your orgasms are real. Always.

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You don’t give a rat’s arse if someone notices your new haircut.

• Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.

• Wrinkles add character.

• A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

• You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

• People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is expected.

• New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet.

• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

• Not liking a person does not exclude having great sex with them.

• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So, notice anything different?”

• You can appreciate great sport.

• You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

• One mood, ALL the damn time.

• A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• Dry cleaners and hairdressers don’t rob you blind.

• You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

• You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

• You can kill your own food.

• You get credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

• If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.

• Everything on your face is its original colour.

• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You don’t have to clean your living room if the meter reader is coming.

• You can sit in silence watching a footy game with your mate for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”

• You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut and bolt.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You don’t have to shave below your neck.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

• You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

• You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45mins.

• Same job…. more pay.

• The world is your urinal.
 

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An older couple were celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary at the bar/restaurant where they met. They were reminiscing about how they went out back and had sex on the fence. A dining policeman overheard the discussion, they decided to head out back and relive the moment. The policeman decided he should keep an eye on the couple. After they headed out back, the policeman heard all sorts of noise and what sounded like a good time... after the commotion stopped, he went in back and found them both laying on the ground. He asked what happened, was it as good as the first time?? The old man said' well as I recall, it wasn't an electric fence back then"...
 
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