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665 Posts
As the world is learning today, Canada has gone from Blue to Red as we have elected a Liberal majority government. As a reminder of 'government' I was sent this;

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.

John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.


The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal government.

Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.


665 Posts
Okay so there is headed for the market a new EV coming in 2017 from General Motors called the Chevy Bolt, for now.

There are no doubt many folks out there who would think anyone who buys one would be crazy. I mean look what happened years ago when GM tried to bring out those Oldsmobile diesels!:laugh:

But let's say that GM does succeed in bringing it out to market. Then let's suppose those crazy owners decide to all get together for a huge gathering to share their stories. What would you have?

Are you ready for this............

A whole bunch of Nuts and Bolts in one location! :Thankyou:>:D

Premium Member
10,363 Posts
Found this on Facebook. I think it is funny.

'Daughter to father;
Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely air bags, and a fantastic bumper'.

Fathers response;
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet, and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

(moved it from the photo thread and replaced the one in the photo thread with a photo).

347 Posts
Not sure if this has been posted before, but found it funny and perhaps somewhat ironically true for some:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
BUBBA GUMP: You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, chicken-kabobs, chicken creole, chicken gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple chicken, lemon chicken, coconut chicken, pepper chicken, chicken soup, chicken stew, chicken salad, chicken and potatoes, chicken burger, chicken sandwich. That- that's about it.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: When I think about the chicken my legs tingle.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will belistening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

NRA: If you outlaw chickens, only outlaws will have chickens.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

OTD3 lifetime Member
1,186 Posts
A friend sent this to me today, and it sounded pretty realistic. I don't know if it's a joke or if it should go in the Forum Business section! :)

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...

347 Posts
Not sure just who this joke is really on

Ironically funny and sad at the same time:

-- 1957 vs. 2015:

Scenario 1: Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2015 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2015 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- They arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled - even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2015 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse , Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being spanked herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2015 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2015 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for

graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school

system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2015 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

347 Posts
A political joke

Not mine, but still funny:

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal. But she said, "You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!"

She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, his face smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

9,026 Posts
Discussion Starter #688
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ... He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me ... I'm celebrating

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer and for months all my hens were infertile, but now they are all laying eggs that are fertilized."

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"

9,026 Posts
Discussion Starter #689
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'


'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

9,026 Posts
Discussion Starter #690
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

54 Posts
Bad Day At The OfficeAfter a particularly bad day at the "office" a bear walks into a bar and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

When the drink arrived it came without ice, which the bear brought to the waitresses attention. She, also was having a bad day and made a snarky remark to the bear.

This annoyed the bear so much he downed the scotch and then gobbled up the waitress and left without paying the bill.

About an hour later the bear was in the hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. Telling the doctor what his day had been like.

The doctor tells the bear that his pain is his own fault for mixing alcohol and drugs.

What do you mean said the bear?

The doctors said, “clearly, that was a bar b**** you ate".

54 Posts
A cousin of mine, Billy Bob, an avid deer hunter, has been known to miss the occasional work day after deer season opens. For years his wife, Willie Ruth, nagged him about being in the woods every weekend of the season. Realizing she was not making any headway with the nagging, Willie Ruth decided to join him in the field to see what caused such devotion on his part. Prior to opening weekend Billy Bob purchased her a rifle, she attended the requisite "Hunter Safety" course, and went to an outdoor range to practice shooting her rifle.

On the appointed morning they arrived at the hunting site before dawn. Billy Bob walked her to his favorite tree stand on the edge of the woodline looking out on a soybean field and explained to Willie Ruth where to expect to see a deer. He told her if she shot anything to stay put and he would come back and help her with it. He then Walked about 100 yards to a second deer stand. Billy Bob had just barely gotten settled before hearing a shot ring out from Willie Ruth's stand. He left his stand and hurried back to her.

Almost there, Billy Bob saw her in the field facing and gesturing at a man. As he approached within earshot he realized they were arguing and it was growing heated. Willie Ruth was getting louder and shriller as she repeatedly said she had shot it and it was her deer on the ground. The man was adamant that it was not her deer. Just as Billy Bob joined them, Willie Ruth swung her rifle in the direction of the man and fiercely said "IT IS MY DEER, I SHOT IT."

The man threw his hands up in the air and said, "Okay lady, it's your deer. Just let me take my saddle off of it."

54 Posts
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

665 Posts
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super
Bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding – so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at
St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5pm.

Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs, good cook, makes 130,000 a year!

She will be the one in the white dress.

665 Posts

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to NY other to
California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.

They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.

"Where you wanna >> go?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight
shorts. The legs..."

Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and >> everybody
has a little action on the games."

Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."

At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Wings are half price."

At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."

At 80 -
"Where you wanna go?"
"We've never been there before."

306 Posts
What ever happened to rants and raves? I found it quite amusing and frustrating too with various topics of familiarity.
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